


cult of wilderness

by scbin



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: But he's honest with his feelings, Changbin is drunk, Depression, Drinking, Flirting, It has a reversed ending at the last pageㅡ read it if you're brave enough, Lee Felix is bisexual, M/M, Making Out, Mentioned Cutting of Wrist, Seo Changbin is straight, Suicidal Thoughts, Underage Smoking, angsty, don't worry i'll try to make a happy ending for this, genderbender
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-12
Updated: 2019-05-07
Packaged: 2020-01-12 03:41:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18438314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scbin/pseuds/scbin
Summary: Felix is drowned with tiredness, sullenness, blues and no matter what you call it, it's all about sadness. He wants to distract himself by these things he wants to try but he just can't and instead, depression is distracting him with all the things he wanted to do. He barely eat because the only thing he can feel is numbness, and his heart is still aching for something that he, himself could not get.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I encourage you to play The Walters' ' I love you so ' whenever you're reading this. Because I've been thinking of the plot of this story with that song for a weeks now. And please read this at your own risk because some may be triggered of the content especially it's about mental health.
> 
> So all in all, I HOPE YOU'LL LIKE THIS!

Felix doesn't even know why he's tired even though he didn't do something tiring for the whole day. He told himself that maybe it's because of the fact that he's getting into his 20s already. But no, it's not all about the tiredness that he was feeling. The _pain_? _insecurities_? _anxiety_? He didn't know how it started. But as he grow older, he can finally understand why. Felix grew up in a family who cannot even afford something expensive. While his mom? She left them when he was still young. Maybe because of the poverty they're into, his mom became selfish and thinks of herself as the years passed by up until she decided to leave them behind.

His dad worked hard for him to grow up well, for him to afford _education_ because his dad believes that it's the only way for his son to succeed in life. Felix saw it all, but still they don't manage to go to a near mall or near restaurant to eat. Felix grew up by celebrating every birthday of his with a very simple celebration, going to the playground is the happiest moment of him whenever his birthday comes. His smile is worth a million whenever he's playing with his dad.

He grew up with the thought of books are the only key to know what he wants to learn, but they can't even afford one. He has one story book that his dad always reading for him before he goes to sleep but he loves hearing it even though it has the same taste of feeling. He grew up simple, he graduated with the list of honors and no parent will not be glad about it.

Whenever Felix is reminiscing something about the past, he won't surely keep a dry eye. Maybe yes, he'll smile. He'll just give a small smile and the dominant? The sadness that he just realized now that he's all alone. A smile because with the thought of reminiscing the times when he's contented and happy without being materialistic. Sadness because he keep on remembering the time when he's watching a commercial about foods in the television with his dad and he'll tap his dad's shoulder telling him that he's hungry. But his dad will just smile at him telling Felix that one day, they'll eat something good in a restaurant. Felix will just nod wearing a determined and happy face in front of his dad.

Felix worked hard even though he's still a teenager. He succeeded in life without his dad seeing how he tried a lot things to succeed. His dad suffered in an illness but they don't have enough money to pay the bills in the hospital. His dad suffered in an illness up until his dad was taken away from him.

The only man who was his motivation, the only person who stayed. The only person who strived hard for him to grew up well, the only person who taught him life lessons, the only person who reads a story besides him every night before he goes to sleep and the only person who makes him feel that life isn't just about the money was the person who didn't saw how he nurture in life was not on his side anymore.

You can see in his eyes that he's tired, tired of living to the point where he doesn't know what to do anymore. He tried to enter an art class but it's no use, the only art that is written on his imaginations are his sadness and nothing more. Four weeks passed, he can't even feel any hunger. If he could just not eat for those weeks, he'll do it so that he could die because of starving. But no, he keeps on telling himself that he should because there's still tomorrow and maybe in the other day, there's a blessing that would come up so he'll just cancel all his plans of ending his life. But his everyday went like that and he's losing hope waiting for that happiness. He wants to cut his wrist but he can't, he tried but he failed. He thought that he succeeded with the happiness in life but no, there are things that can make you cry before you go to sleep.

Some of his friends notices it, he's always giving those tired eyes of mine in every look he make. He has a very bad _trust issues_. He's always keeping what he feels inside him, if it's full enough, he'll just cry with his head aching to the point he'll just sleep on it. The tears dried up on his eyes. He'll just give a small smile and tell them that he's good and he's doing fine. He doesn't know how long he will keep these problems to himself. He's not a treasure chest to handle all the pain he has inside. He's becoming lifeless and numb about things that he used to have an interest back then.


	2. Chapter 2

Just like now, Felix is sitting near on the glass wall of his condominium whilst holding his glass of red wine. The thunderstorms that used to scare him yesterday doesn't scare him at the moment. He felt so empty and he thinks that the glass of wine would help him fill up the emptiness he was feeling right now. He's all alone, he's looking at the buildings around him thinking one day, someone would be brave enough to look at those buildings with him, just chilling and telling some nonsense jokes or stories. He has friends but he felt so out of place. He has been isolating himself for days because he thought that would help him cope up with the sadness he was going through right now. It's already 8pm and the only thing that annoys him is that the woman on the other room left a key to him. She told Felix that she'll be out for a week and if someone asked him to give him the keys on her unit, Felix should give it to him. But Felix has the worst trust issue, it's not like he doesn't trust the woman. That woman was the one who welcomed him during his first day in his new home. It's just the fact that he doesn't know  if the one who'll get the key was the one who's really in charge of getting it.

 _"Seo Changbin"_ said the woman and smiled at him as he locked the unit and slowly walked after patting Felix's shoulder.

The woman told him not to worry about anything because this person named Changbin was listed in the log book of the condo. But the woman should've left it on the staff not to him. But he just let it, he's too tired to think of things. He'll just give it to the first person who'll press the doorbell and dive on his bed and wait 'till the morning comes up.

Not so long he heard the sound that he wanted to hear for past 30 minutes. The doorbell's finally pressed by someone. He grabbed the key on his living room table and went to the door and opened it with a lazy gesture.

 _"You're Seo Changbin?"_ he asked lazily, the smaller nods with a resting bitch face that is making the atmosphere more intense.

 _"I'm sorry if I bothered you or whatㅡ but I'm really sorry if my mom asked you to have my keys, I just hate socializing with a lots of people around me"_ Felix just looked at him as if he's like saying that, was he really serious about what he said.

_"It's alright Mr. Seo Changbin, I do understand now so get into your unit and sleep because who the hell would ring a bell at someone's unit at this time of the night just to get a key? It's almost 8:45"_

_"A staff?"_ Changbin sarcastically asked while keeping his uninterested look on his face.

_"You know what? You're pretty creepy, it's like I've seen a lot of scenes like this in movies."_

_"And you know whatㅡ you're talking too much Mr. Unnamed. I got my keys already, you can sleep now so that I could go to my unit and rest."_

_"Such a bastard."_ Felix mumbled but clear enough for Changbin to hear.

_"Don't worry Mr. Unnamed, I'll make it up to you tomorrow so we could fix our shits together and goodnight."_

Changbin opened his door, get in and closed it immediately before Felix can spit a single word towards him. ' ** _Am I really that annoying_**?' Felix mumbled to himself as he opened the door smiling on his way inside. He never thought that after some weeks, he'll have the chance to talk with someone in such a nonsense way. It's been a while, he usually talk with someone in such a formal way and it's tiring.

He lie on his bed and wrapped his blanket all around him comfortably. He never thought that he'd sleep well after talking with a man whom he just met a few minutes ago. Maybe it's been a really long time that he sarcastically talked with someone.  
  


Just like his typical Monday morning, he'll stretch for a second and stand, making his way to the bathroom. A usual routine of brushing his teeth, fixing himself and make himself a coffee as he peacefully watching the sun rise up from afar. He doesn't know how long he'll stay inside and maybe today is a good day for him to breathe a fresh air from the outside to get out of this place that's full of toxicity. He was about to prepare what he was going to wear outside but his doorbell keeps on ringing and it's annoying him. He has no choice but to open it so that it will stop because maybe if he didn't open it, it'll probably keep on ringing for the half of the day.

 _"What do you want from me?"_ Felix asked in an annoyed voice while glaring at the person who's standing in front of him who's now resting his arm on the wall.

_"I told you last night that I'll make it up to you, right?"_

_"And then? What's with that? What do you want?"_

_"I brought foods for you because you're thin, maybe you're starving yourself there that's why. What I want? I want you."_

_"That's such a bad line."_

_"Come on, won't you let your new neighbor inside? That's too rude of you Mr. Unnamed. I promise I won't touch anything there, I'm not interested with those."_

Felix does not know how to react. It's his first time meeting someone who willingly brings him food for breakfast. He didn't asked for it but he had these pack of foods on his hands.

 _"Nice unit, I've never thought that the comfy level of this one has reached my expectations. And your bed! It's near the glass wall! You know this is my kink, I love city lights, man."_ Changbin said as he examined every corner of Felix's unit.

_"Who wouldn't love those?"_

Changbin didn't replied anymore. Instead, he sat down on the sofa as he rests his arms on the foamed wood frame of the sofa as he watches Felix eat his breakfast.

 _"You seem hungry"_ he startled.

_"I don't eat"_

_"Hmm"_ Changbin nodded as he continued to watch Felix, _"You know, you shouldn't starve yourself. It's such a loss if you do."_

 _"What do you mean by that?"_ Felix asked with a mouth full.

_"You know that it's bad for you to speak whenever your mouth is full. Especially it's 2x badder because you have a filthy mouth. But as I was saying, it's such a loss because you're handsome."_


	3. Chapter 3

_"Don't you have any plans of going back to your unit?"_ Felix asked while giving Changbin a small laugh.

 _"No, it's boring there and my mom's not there. If you're inside my unit, you'd probably want to get back here and watch those cars from below."_ Changbin smirked, _"So Mr. Unnamed, what's your name? I mean, I'm tired of calling you Mr. Unnamed since yeternight. And it's already noon."_

_"Felix, Lee Felix."_

And all the days, weeks and months went like that, he only have Changbin by his side. A new friend, he considered. But it doesn't mean that the feeling of being suicidal was leaving him. He's afraid, he's afraid of telling Changbin about his mental health because it's no good for their friendship. What if Changbin gets speechless? And leave him because he doesn't know how to catch those kind of vent outs on him? He's panicking every night, anxiety is always visiting him that makes him fall asleep at 5am.

But except this night, Changbin cannot sleep so he went to Felix's unit. Felix was about to cry that time but gladly, Changbin showed up.

 _"I thought you're sleeping alreadyㅡ or maybe, I bothered you? Did I woke you up?"_ Changbin asked worriedly.

_"Uhㅡ no, it's all good. And I'm not yet planning to sleep. It's too early to sleep, I guess"_

_"One in the morning is too early for you? I thought you'll ask me again who the fuck would ring a bell at this time of the day"_ he smirked.

_"I get used to this because you are a dumbass. Maybe someday, I'll get used to this. Like for example, you'll leave me behind and here I am, waiting for the bell to make a sound because there's an asshole waiting for me outside."_

Changbin went inside and sat on the sofa besides the glass wall and looked outside, giving Felix a deep sigh as a reply.

 _"Something wrong?"_ Felix asked as he sat in an opposite direction from where is Changbin was sitting.

 _"I just can't leave you, I can see in your eyes that you're tired of something that is bothering you everyday, say it or not, I can see it. I've experienced that."_ Just before Felix could even reply, Changbin went to ask something that could swerve the topic he started, " _Do you have asthma or something?"_

Felix pursed his lips and shook his head. Changbin smiled at him and grabbed a packet of cigarettes from his pocket.

_"You smoke?"_

_"Obviously."_

_"I mean, does your mother know about that thing or something? It looks like you're too pure to do those kind of things, I've never seen you do that before."_

_"No, she doesn't know. I just started last month, you know, to forget about things? I got used to this. It's an addiction that I do whenever I'm not me."_

_"Wow, you started smoking without me knowing it?"_

_"Why? Do you want to learn?"_

Changbin lits the tip of his cigarette after putting the filtered end of the cigarette between his lips.

_"I'll just drink alcohol instead than doing thatㅡ I prefer drinking not inhaling smoke."_

_"What do you do in life?"_ Changbin asked in the middle of smoking, the lights are off and the only lamp near them is the one who's on. And the city light gives them a good source of light enough for them to see each other's faces while talking.

_"Staying here and make arts, I've been into an art school not so long ago and I'm earning money from it but yeah, I'm in a hiatus right now since I can't think clearly. So basically, all I do everyday to stay here or go to a near coffee shop, I just love the smell of brewed coffee. How about you?"_

_"Composing and producing songs together with my two other friends. We have 1 week vacation so I'm just spending my time here. Actually, it's not easy. I used to sleep at 4:30am after staying in the studio and I'm getting numb because I'm not used to it whenever I'm sleeping early. Just like now, I went here to smoke or such things that can make you look annoyed while talking to me. And sometimes, I'm just staying inside my unit, I have my stuffs there to compose songs, I'll just copy the file and then give it to my friend on the other day."_

_"I usually sleep at 5am, I thought you're always sleeping early. I've never thought that we're just the same."_

_"I wish I was, why? Isn't it obvious that I'm always sleeping late? Am I still handsome? Attractive?"_

_"You are but fuck off."_

He is. He's handsome, you can't even see in his eyes that he's tired and a busy person, he always cheer Felix up. Maybe he just really can't see it because Changbin's eyes were cold, it's unpredictable for him to see if he's tired or happy or positive and stuffs. If Felix could just sue himself from gradually falling for Changbin's way of taking care of him, he won't hesitate to do it. He loves being with Changbin. He wants him for life but his depression is killing him inside, plus anxiety that keeps on pushing him to think that he's no good and he's not enough for a man like Changbin.

He's always reminding himself to stop what he feels because he's stupid to continue so. He knew that Changbin is straight, Changbin's not mentioning it but he can feel it. And as long as he thinks about it, an ache will suddenly appear on his chest. Ache because of being brokenhearted. 

Calling himself stupid because he's the one who's increasing the pain he was feeling right now. He's not yet done with the other problems yet he added another one. His father told him that relationship is not the only source of happiness but his one and only happiness is not with him anymore. He's begging to feel what love feels like once again because he has been waiting for years already.

  
  



	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Play Paul Anka's Puppy Love because I was listening to it while doing this one : ) I hope you'll like like this.

_"Are you up later? 6pm in the café? Maybe you just want some early evening talks since you've been hiding in your den for days already?"_ Changbin asked through the phone while Felix is doing his laundry, he just feel like it since he has nothing else to do and he's feeling productive today after having an almost anxiety attack last night.

_"I thought you're in the studio right now?"_

_"I am, but it doesn't matter since we're not that busy today. Chan will be out and Jisung will go home early since he's grounded so he needs to go home early."_

_"Waitㅡ I forgot, you told me last night that you 3 have a one week break? What happened?"_

_"Uhㅡ a problem? Something went wrong to the file we sent so basically, we can't get out of that studio not until we fixed it. But it's all good now, no worries and no issues."_

_"That's good then, and the 6pm meet-up later on? That's noted, just don't forget it."_

" _Why would I? I was the one who set it."_

_"What do you mean?"_

_"Nothing. Go back to what you are doing and bye."_

Changbin hung up the phone just before Felix could say a word. He did that multiple times already, he's always leaving Felix clueless and it's digging his conscience but he's just laughing it off. Felix is funny sometimes, he loves his lame jokes and how he expresses himself in a funny way. He know that Felix is going through something that is difficult, he can see it. But he's not sure about the reason behind it.

He invited Felix so that they could talk about something and he's willing to tell Felix everything, he won't hesitate. He trusts Felix so much for he was the first person he was most comfortable with in person or in phone calls or chats. Talk? Date? The most important thing is at least, he's with Felix and it's just the two of them.

He call himself straight, but he doesn't know if he's swerving already. He doesn't know why was he attached to a boy that he treats as a friend for months already. Felix was the first person to see him smoking without even getting annoyed. Felix behaves very well.

It's already 5pm and Felix just finished doing his laundry. He's so tired but he wants to meet Changbin instead of sleeping his tiredness away. His hand will surely be rough later on and he can't do anything about it.

After sitting for a few minutes, Felix went to his bathroom and prepared. He's just wearing a simple outfit that's good enough for the weather in their place. Felix got into the café at 6:05 in the evening, he's 5 minutes late and it's making him nervous because it's Changbin. He doesn't know why do he feel like this, he's sweating and he's in the middle of deciding whether he'll enter the café or not. ' It's just Changbin, Seo Changbin and not a monster. ' he told himself as he breathes deeply before entering.

Changbin went to where was he standing and greet him with a simple "Hey" as they go to their table and sat on the reserved seats for them.

_"What's up? You're kinda late huh?"_

_"I'm sorry. I took a little nap earlier because I did my laundry, sorry."_

_"No, it's okay and plus, you should've told me earlier that you're doing your laundry so that I'll just go to your unit and we could talk there. And yeah, I just got here also but it's fine now."_

_"You really know that I love the smell of coffee shops."_

_"Of course, you told me back then when you were drunk."_

_"I'm drunk? When was that? What are the other things that I told you?"_

_"One month ago, you're such a dickhead to the point where you can't even remember it."_ Changbin laughed, _"The only thing that you told me is that you like someone, it's your first time liking someone so you're very desperate to have that person."_ Changbin left a small laugh once again as Felix was just speechless like it's too much of humiliation.

 _"Don't worry, you didn't tell me what's the person's name but surely, that person is lucky enough to have you."_ He added.

_"Shut up Changbin, as if you've never felt something like this before. And surely pt. 2, it's not new to you."_

_"Well, I have. But that someone is a bastard."_

_"Why? What happened?"_

_"Her pride is killing her. She just dated me so that she could tell her friends that she's in relationship with someone who can spoil her anything she wants. Who wouldn't get tired of her shitty attitude? Such a toxic for a girl like her."_ Felix can see the sadness and disappointment through Changbin's eyes. And a small glimpse of happiness, happiness because he already felt of how do one person feel after falling for someone so deeply. But Changbin is so unlucky to fall for someone who has the worst trap.

_"I'm sorry for asking you thatㅡ"_

_"It's okay now and it's fine, 2 years_ _passed and it's not an issue to me anymore."_

_"2 years? That's long, don't you have any plans of dating someone again?"_

_"I want to, but I'm still waiting for the right moment. Why? Do you want to date me?"_

_"You're disgusting. I'd rather date a dog's foot."_

_"You're a weirdshit, why would you date a dog's foot if you could just date me instead?"_

_"Because you're not cute enough like their paws."_

_"But seriously, Felix. Tell me something about you, I'm willing to listen and please trust me."_

Felix is hesitating, he's lowkey sweating and he wants to have a mental breakdown because he's not yet over dealing with how his life went. But deep inside, Felix is telling himself that maybe this is the right time. Maybe this is the opportunity that was given to him, to tell someone what he feels. To tell someone the pain he's into. And after all those hesitations, he did.

He told Changbin that he barely eat because he's getting numb already, his inside was so dead and empty. He felt sadness without any reasons to say, it's just attacking him in aㅡ not so good times. He has been hiding. He told his life to Changbin, and Changbin can see how painful he was feeling while telling all those. Memories doesn't make someone smile, memories can make some people cry. It's a pain, blue, sullen.

He doesn't know that this is the reason behind Felix's fake laugh and tiredness. If he asked Felix earlier than this, maybe he could give all his care and help. He love Felix and seeing him breakdown in front of him is the most painful gloomy scenery. Felix told him that he wants to cut his wrist sometimes but cannot even do it. Felix told him that growing up without your parents beside you nor your relatives besides you is so much depressing. He wants to kill himself that time because it's nothing if he stayed up and feel the same feeling when he wakes up in the morning. He was teased by his classmates back then he keep in mind that education is something powerful. The people in church took a good care of him, they gave him his needs for school and from that time, he was desperate for success. His father was confined in a hospital that time and the church doesn't have an extra money to pay the bills. He was all alone and his father is unconscious.

Felix stood up and exited the café as Changbin followed him. Once they get back into the unit, Felix sat down on his bed and started to cry. It's drowning him, the emotions and shits. Changbin stared at him as he went to Felix's place. He hugged Felix tightly and caressed his back for him to calm.

_"Hey Felix, I'm sorry for asking that kind of questionㅡ I don't know. I really don't know that it's too much."_

He let go and looked at Felix straight into his eyes and wiped his tears away from his cheeks using his thumb. Felix was still crying while looking at him, listening to his hums.

_"I don't mean it, Felix. I'm sorry if I hurt you like this, I'm such a dumbass." He hold Felix's hand as he let Felix's head rest on his shoulder. "I'm here, I won't leave you. If I leave, I'd probably bring you with me. I don't know what you'll do next if I'm not by your side anymore. I love you."_

Changbin just realized what he has said so he immediately made some backup words next to that, _"Because you're my friend and I care for you, you know that."_

Felix looked at him once again and gave him a small smile.


	5. Chapter 5

Changbin stands as Felix's best friend. He can't even leave Felix without any words to say. Friendship, that's how they call it. They're not couples, just friends. They do like each other secretly but no one dares to say a word about getting in a relationship.

Felix barely goes to Changbin's unit and he's thankful that Changbin's mom is always welcoming him whenever he enter the unit and even preparing him a food to eat. Changbin's mom is a busy person, in her office and in house to the point where she barely check if Changbin is okay. After some months, his own mom doesn't have any idea about what was Changbin doing to himself. Changbin smokes, Changbin drinks and shits whenever he's with Felix or all alone after finishing the recordings for some songs they were composing. Felix wants to stop him from his vices but he doesn't have the power to do so and he's overthinking. He only have Changbin, if they fought because of this, he might lose him. Of course, Felix is such a fragile person and he obviously cannot take that.

There are times where Changbin is calling him in the middle of the night just to go to his unit, he's hesitating at first because he might wake up Changbin's mom. Changbin is telling him that it's alright and in fact, his mom rarely goes to his unit. His mom is staying on her house near her workplace. Sometimes the reason why Felix is always hesitating is that whenever he's there, Changbin will always tell him how he'll end up in a certain bar (sometimes) and make out with some random girls around him because of how drunk he was. Felix will just listen to him and he will keep what he feels inside him, let it out by cutting his wrist later on when he gets back home. Whenever he's thinking of it, the other shits that is a burden to him will come back. He has a lot of reasons why he's sad, he cannot count it but for now, the no. 1 reason is Changbin. He call himself a dumbass, why would he break his own heart for a person who was not his even in the first place? He has a lot of questions to himself. And sometimes, Changbin will sing neither rap what he composed in front of Felix. Felix loves it, Changbin's voice, facial expressions, everything. Who wouldn't? Changbin is a talented man, he's kind, he's unique in his own ways.

It's exactly 12:30am when Felix's phone rings. It's a call from Changbin, he's back at it again. He'll think again, even though he doesn't want to go, he will still go. So what's the point of thinking? Readiness for what will Changbin say? Readiness to get hurt?

 _"Hey"_ Changbin greeted, he sounds like he's drunk but then again, Felix told himself that it's impossible because it's Changbin's day off yesterday. Changbin doesn't like going outside all alone, he's not comfortable with that. But who knows? Maybe Changbin made out with someone again.

_"Uhㅡ hey Changbin"_

_"Why are you still up?"_

_"Because you called me, what else?"_

_"Please go here, I need someone right now."_

Felix doesn't know if he'll get mad to Changbin or what. Changbin is just calling him whenever he needs someone. A lot of things changed, Changbin is always hesitating whenever he's going to Felix's unit but he's still trying. Changbin is always drunk whenever he's talking to Felix, why? He's doing that thing so that he can look at Felix straight into his eyes without getting uncomfortable just like the time when they first met each other. That rainy night where everything started.

Felix got up from his bed and straightly goes to Changbin's unit without checking himself in front of the mirror, he doesn't care anymore of how he looks like. As if Changbin cares. The smell of cigarettes and alcohol welcomed Felix inside Changbin's unit especially on his computer table. Maybe he drank his alcohol here while being stressed out.

 _"Changbin"_ Felix startled Changbin as he sat on Changbin's bed while looking at him.

_"Hmm?"_

_"Stop drinking and uhㅡ smoking? I guess. I don't want to see you like this. Look at you, you barely rest. Instead of drinking or smoking, can you please just hmm sleep? rest?"_ Felix looked down, he wants to say this thing everytime he goes to Changbin's unit. His heartbeat is beating fast, he's nervous of what will be Changbin's reaction especially now that he's drunk.

Felix waited for an answer. He looked at Changbin again who's just staring at the computer's monitor. After some seconds, Changbin got up from his seat and headed towards Felix's place, Changbin is just staring him straight into his eyes. Felix wanted to look on the other direction but he can't, he loved it here.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that." Felix said, once again.

Changbin didn't answer but instead he sat besides Felix doing the same thing, he's just looking at him. Felix was so nervous that he needed to look at the opposite direction to avoid the awkwardness being brought by Changbin's stares. But Changbin held his hand, so he doesn't have any choice but look at their hands intertwined with each other. Changbin adjusted his face a little and kissed Felix on his lips. If Felix can feel anything, it's the happiness and madness. He's thinking whether Changbin is just doing this thing because he doesn't have a girl to make out with at this time or he just like to kiss Felix. He's getting bitter, he just closed his eyes as he let Changbin do the work. He can taste the alcohol and cigarette right from Changbin's mouth. Changbin placed his hands on Felix's waist as he started kissing Felix's neck. He starts nibbling on it and kissed Felix on his lips once again sucking Felix's lower lip as Felix started to wander his tongue inside Changbin's mouth. Changbin lets go of it, he looked at Felix straight into his eyes, reading every expression that Felix will give him. A pure sadness with something hidden on it.

 _"Uhㅡ if you think that I did that for fun, I want you to know that I mean it and I'm sorry. You can sleep now."_ Changbin started.

_"Changbin"_

_"Hm?"_

_"Please don't do that again. I'm going now."_ Felix got up from the bed but Changbin pulled him back to his side and accidentally saw Felix's fresh wounds on his wrist.

_"What is this?" Changbin looked at Felix's wounds. "You're cutting your wrist? For how long have you been doing this shit?"_

_"As if you care about those wounds, I'm going to sleep now, mind your own business here."_

_"Why are you acting like that? As if you didn't kissed me back. I care about you and I won't mind my own business not until you answer my questions."_

_"Yeah I've been cutting my wrist for months already because it's the only way for me to feel better. Changbin, I don't want to expect something from you. I like you for I don't know how long I started feeling like this."_

Changbin doesn't have any choice but to kiss Felix again. He doesn't want to hurt Felix. Felix is his everything. He hates it whenever Felix is acting like this, Felix isn't weak. He's a strong person, he told himself.

_"Felix, I love you. Isn't it obvious? I'm sorry if I'm such an asshole for telling you those girls that I've made out with. I'm such a drunkard to the point where I cannot control what I am saying anymore. I want you to know that I'm here. I meanㅡ if I don't sound serious right now, I just want you to know that I love you goddamn much. And please stop harming yourself, it breaks me once I've seen these wounds on your wrist._   
_Felix, please be mine. I will take care of you, trust me. I can change for you."_

_"You don't need to change for me."_

 

* * *

 

 

Changbin waited for weeks to finally have Felix's answer to his question. Felix said yes, he exclaimed. They've been spending their dates in a very simple place in a very simple way. They do stargazing, watching movies especially baby movies, cuddling, kissing, sharing random stories with each other and such. It's life enriching, they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with each other. They listen to their favorite songs especially whenever it's raining, whenever Felix is having a mental breakdown, Changbin will always be there for him. Felix was Changbin's motivation so does Felix to Changbin.

 


	6. Reversed Ending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be the ending of this but I don't want to disappoint y'all. But still, I'm going to post it anyways.

__

After those countless nights and days of being with Felix, one thing most that Changbin will really miss is Felix's soft touch, his kisses, the cuddles and shits. He may not mention it but sure thing he know, he has changed alreadyㅡ Felix changed him into a better person. Now that Felix's gone, he don't know what to do anymore. Everything was pointlessㅡ meaningless, he said. He'll remember those times where Felix is always talking about things he enjoyedㅡ everynight. The lights are off whenever they're talking about the things that are deepㅡ the things that still wounds them whenever they're thinking of it. He'll remember those times where Felix will get Changbin's phone just to play The Walters' I Love You So. He'll look at Felix who's singing along with it, he can feel the pain. And it goes like thisㅡ the questions he had in his mind are now answered. Changbin asked Felix once why he's always playing that song. Felix will just give him a smile thar could brighten up his night.

 _"It sounds good"_ ㅡ he said.

Changbin understands now, Felix will leave. He saw a crumpled paper on the tableㅡ he woke up without Felix lying down on his side. No one was wrapped around his arms. The emptiness of everything is unfamiliar to Changbin. Changbin didn't compose new songs these past few days, it's impossible to have a crumpled paper on his tableㅡ he didn't see it last night. But then again, Changbin wiped all the mess that's in his head and read what was written on the paper.

> _Changbin, you might see this on your tableㅡ I don't know what time, day or night, raining or what. I just want to say that you've done so many things for me and I'm thankful with that. You may see me smile in front of you but that doesn't mean that I'm not hiding any pain inside me. I hate that I always feel like thisㅡ I'm so empty. My feelings are all getting dull. I always cry before I sleep, I don't sleep anymore, sometimes. The songs we play, the games we play and suchㅡ please don't forget those. I don't want to do this but I need to leave you already, you'll have someone better or let's say, someone that is the best for you. I'm not the best that you are looking for, you wouldn't want to stay with a person like me who's swallowed by depressing thoughts. I love you, if you see thisㅡ I want you to know that anytime, anywhere, any weather or shits are now in this place we've spent our nights together, I want you to know that I still feel the same. I love you to death._

It's Felix's handwriting. The last letter that he would receive from Felix. He read it every time, he had no idea about Felix's condition right now, 8 months passed and he's still keeping this letter. He's always out in the street to ask if they know this boy (Felix). But all he receive was _"No"_. He's losing hope. Felix was his everything. He had no idea where he is right now, what does he look likeㅡ whom he love now. Maybe one day, he'll see him once again. Nothing's impossible is exclaimed. Standing in front of Felix's empty unit is something that can still break his heart up until now. _Pointless and gloomy_.


End file.
